I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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