Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
