I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
