youre lurking in front of me
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
