your thong is hanging out like whoa
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think I won the penis lottery.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
