Sry I called you an 8
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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