one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
