So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
