I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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