I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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