I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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