Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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