i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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