As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
