i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize