Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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