Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
