Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
