I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
