i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
