somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize