Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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