headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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