Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
