just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
