Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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