even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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