i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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