i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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