So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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