My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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