this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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