How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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