College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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