Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
