Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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