I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
