i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
