if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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