Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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