i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
