don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize