I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
