Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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