So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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