everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
