i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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