i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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