Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
