Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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