It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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