Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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