I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
