So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
