I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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