we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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