I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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