your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
