Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
