I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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