fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
