You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
