There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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