You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
