Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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