My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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