His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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