Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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