Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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