I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
