i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
