i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
