We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
