I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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