a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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