Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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