So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
