I met the friendliest cop last night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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