Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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