Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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